Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Curriculum for 2026-2027

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Summer flew by this year.

My two middle kids took a couple summer courses and experienced study abroad programs to France and Poland. They’re already planning next summer’s study abroad trips!

My son played several out of state baseball tournaments this summer.

I highly recommend the books by Louise Bates Ames. A good guide to follow are the What Your ?-Grader Needs to Know by E.D. Hirsch, Jr. His books have some problems, but it’s a great jumping off point.

See how we do history. Our main curriculum Tapestry of Grace (and the way I supplement it each year) covers all the 
 humanities – history, literature, art, music, philosophy, government.

We’re down to one homeschooler these next two years. I’m realizing I should probably purge our materials and books since I won’t ever need them again.

He’s finishing up some novels for me. He’s planning to complete Life of Fred Financial Choices. He really likes The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. He has some history assignments to complete. He needs to learn how to write essays and take the university placement test for writing. Most of the Ohio public universities haven’t started back requiring SAT/ACT testing.

He plays elite travel baseball and high school baseball with our local district. We have to submit transcripts to the school so he knows he has to keep up with his work which is great accountability.

He is CCP at our local university, continuing with Spanish, and taking classical history this fall and probably biology in spring. I encourage him to take core classes that will easily transfer, like Intro to Writing.

School looks a little different for him. He isn’t very academic and doesn’t enjoy reading and we’ve slacked quite a bit and procrastinated which means we need to cram these last two years. We’re working on units, broader concepts, and future prep. He does always complete his checklists, even if it’s last minute. He is very successful with his college courses, and earned a spot on the President’s and Dean’s Lists last year.

He’s starting to make lists of colleges to contact for baseball. He wants to pursue a career in sports.

My middle two are attending a local university. One is double majoring in Classics and French. The other is double majoring in Environmental Science and Biology and doing a 4+1 program for a master’s in biology. They’re both very proactive and planning ahead towards grad school options, their careers, and dreams.

We encourage our kids to live at home as long as they need for support and saving funds. I still do laundry and cook meals and pack lunches. They appreciate not having to worry about doing that for themselves.

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Unloved

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I really want to know why I am unloved.

I was eight years old when I realized I was all alone in the world, and no one would ever rescue me.

I remember lying down on the dirty wood floor after carefully arranging my insurance card on top of the empty Tylenol PM pill bottle.

I was lost and alone and everyone I thought loved me had abandoned me and told me they didn’t want me anymore, and blamed me for all their problems.

I was twenty-one years old.

My mother arrived to the ER…but my father didn’t come.

I spent a week in a locked ward. I felt like a little child surrounded by adults with real mental health issues. I was the youngest one there, but I felt even years younger because I had never been allowed to transition into a normal adolescence or adulthood.

I wrote about my suicide attempt a long time ago. I think about it too often.

I’m not supposed to be here.

I’ve had many cries for help that all went unanswered.

Why am I unloved?

I don’t share much on social media, to protect my family’s privacy but also because I’ve been criticized for it. Every post I make, I question whether I should post it.

I’m friends with some of my cousins whose political stances do not align with mine. I’ve unfriended and unfollowed so many over the years who just wanted to see drama, and I often wish I never got on Facebook at all. Those I thought were friends were too quick to unfriend and forget us when we moved away.

I had few outlets to vent about my life, my parents, struggles with frequent military moves.

Not much has changed over the years. I’m still alone with my memories.

My goal now is to make sure my children know they are loved and valued. I want them to grow up and have good memories and know that their mother loves them, that it’s not just performative.

My mother had a stroke and I had to rush down to help last year. I had to place my parents in a care home last year. My father passed last summer. So many memories and trauma rising up and bothering me at the most inopportune times.

I never knew what wasn’t normal while I grew up an only child with toxic parents.

Surely, everyone in the extended family knew something, but no one did anything.

No Privacy

My father warped or reset the latch my bedroom door on purpose so it wouldn’t close.

I was never allowed to use the bathroom alone – without one or both of my parents walking in – while on the toilet or in the bath or shower. No doors could be closed.

They went through my room and read anything I wrote, so I stopped writing.

They listened to my phone conversations and were furious if I used the phone late at night.

I’m thankful we didn’t have the technology then that we do now. My kids want the 360 app to keep track of me! haha

Control

I had forgotten about a lot of the weird rules I had growing up that I didn’t have anything to compare to, so I didn’t realize they were odd until I got married, moved away, had my own four kids.

Like, that scene with the penguin figurine in the movie Misery? I lived like that. I understood that scene too well.

I wasn’t allowed to use bath mats. I had to dry off completely while still standing inside the tub or shower, or wipe down my legs and feet before stepping out. And I realize now how odd that is, and also somewhat dangerous if I slip and fall.

I had to be silent. When I had to travel to Atlanta last December to put my parents in a nursing home, the month that I was trapped in the house with them brought back all the stressful memories of having to creep around, close and open doors and cabinets silently, load and unload the dishwasher silently, and just do everything so carefully and quietly. My husband and kids never believed me. I didn’t exaggerate.

Neglect

I have no memory of my parents reading to me. They didn’t play games with me.

So many books I discovered when my kids were small, from library story time or recommendations or my own research. I still love reading to my kids! We often read books together and my kids share their college texts and assignments with me. I love it!

I was constantly dismissed and sent to play alone in my room or outside. I spent many hours alone with my thoughts.

My preferences didn’t matter. My color choices, fabrics, styles, tastes. I realize there wasn’t a lot of money, but I didn’t get to choose. Later, when finances were healthier, I still didn’t get to choose.

My mother wasn’t a great or interesting cook and prepared the few dishes my father would eat. I was a rather picky eater. I never had fresh food beyond fruit or iceberg lettuce. All vegetables were canned and she cooked them to a pulp. I drank Kool Aid, sweet tea, juice, and Coke. I developed disordered eating. I realize now that my mother had disordered eating. I found her journals with detailed notes about her eating and voiding activities.

No Social Life

I wasn’t allowed to have friends over to the house if my father was home. I seldom had anyone over, ever. I accepted any and every invitation to get away. I’m sure I became a joke to my peers.

I never learned how to be appropriate with peers. I missed social cues and still struggle with social norms. I feel like an anthropologist.

I wasn’t successful in social situations and struggled to make friends. Out of sight, out of mind. No one contacted me during breaks, summers, or after moving to a different classroom.

I was not good with relationships with boys or men. I was too desperate and lost myself. I used promiscuity instead of authenticity. I have many regrets.

Three husbands who didn’t love themselves, so how could they love me? In-laws who never accepted me nor cared at all about me nor my children.

I still have no friends. I am mostly content with the peace that comes with that.

I know it’s said that it’s a big red flag for someone to have only complaints about their relationships, but when every single one has been toxic, and I’ve examined myself and done my shadow work, and I realize where I made mistakes and what I could have should have done differently…it’s not just me.

I grieve for family I have never experienced.

One of my son’s baseball team dads asked like a joke, “Well, what’s wrong with you, Jennifer?” Indeed.

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Best Books of 2025

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My Favorite Books I Read in 2025

I get a free eBook every month with Amazon Prime.

I love love love renting eBooks for Kindle or Libby from my local library.

I set a reading goal to read 100 books this year, and I barely completed that.

I’ve read a lot of series and systematically read through entire collections of authors such as Octavia Butler and Joe Haldeman and John Scalzi and Simon Tolkein and Emily St. John Mandel.

The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen

Technically speaking, Hendrik Groen is elderly. But at age 83 and one quarter, this feisty curmudgeon has no plans to go out quietly. Bored of weak tea and potted geraniums, exasperated by the indignities of aging, Hendrik has decided to rebel.

He begins writing an exposé: secretly recording the antics of day-to-day life in his retirement home, where he refuses to take himself, or his fellow “”inmates,”” too seriously. With an eccentric group of friends, he founds the Old-But-Not-Dead Club, and he and his best friend, Evert, gleefully stir up trouble, enraging the home’s humorless director and turning themselves into unlikely heroes.

This was a poignant book for me since I place my parents in assisted living and then my father passed in July. I have so many what-ifs. We really just don’t care about our elders enough.

Artificial Truth: A Novel by J.M. Lee

In the virtual city of Alegria, fantasies are made real, innumerable lifetimes are lived, and even death itself is a survivable experience. An escape from reality that changed the landscape of artificial intelligence, it is home to more than one hundred million people. Though it’s been six years since Alegria’s creator—revolutionary tech genius KC Kim—died of cancer, his legacy is alive in the pinnacle of KC’s genius: an AI named Allen who surges with KC’s memories.

As hard as KC’s widow, Minju, and her new husband, Junmo, try to move on, Minju can’t shake the unnerving feeling that somehow, from somewhere, KC is watching. She sees a stranger who bears an uncanny resemblance to him. A pair of KC’s custom-made shoes arrive at her doorstep. And someone has booked a Tokyo hotel room where she and KC shared happier times. Certain of nothing except KC’s mad innovation, Minju can only imagine what he is accomplishing without even existing.

I hate AI and this book touched on many horrors that I see potentially happening. It turned into a mystery and happy ending and I enjoy Asian novels so much for their different values and style.

I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman

Deep underground, thirty-nine women live imprisoned in a cage. Watched over by guards, the women have no memory of how they got there, no notion of time, and only vague recollection of their lives before.

As the burn of electric light merges day into night and numberless years pass, a young girl – the fortieth prisoner – sits alone and outcast in the corner. Soon she will show herself to be the key to the others’ escape and survival in the strange world that awaits them above ground.

At no point was I prepared for how anything would turn out and this book has stayed with me and I think about it so often. So many questions unanswered. It’s a great book club item.

The Staircase in the Woods by Chuck Wendig

Five high school friends are bonded by an oath to protect one another no matter what.

Then, on a camping trip in the middle of the forest, they find something extraordinary: a mysterious staircase to nowhere.

One friend walks up—and never comes back down. Then the staircase disappears.

Twenty years later, the staircase has reappeared. Now the group returns to find the lost boy—and what lies beyond the staircase in the woods. . . .

I love all of Chuck Wendig’s books and this one was really interesting with the psychological and supernatural thrills. I hope we revisit this story in a sequel!

Somewhere Beyond the Sea by TJ Klune

A magical house. A secret past. A summons that could change everything.

Arthur Parnassus lives a good life, built on the ashes of a bad one. He’s the headmaster of a strange orphanage on a distant and peculiar island, and he hopes to soon be the adoptive father to the six magical and so-called dangerous children who live there.

Arthur works hard and loves with his whole heart so none of the children ever feel the neglect and pain that he once felt as an orphan on that very same island so long ago. And he is not alone: joining him is the love of his life, Linus Baker, a former caseworker in the Department in Charge of Magical Youth; Zoe Chapelwhite, the island’s sprite; and her girlfriend, Mayor Helen Webb. Together, they will do anything to protect the children.

But when Arthur is summoned to make a public statement about his dark past, he finds himself at the helm of a fight for the future that his family, and all magical people, deserve.

And when a new magical child hopes to join them on their island home―one who finds power in calling himself monster, a name Arthur worked so hard to protect his children from―Arthur knows they’re at a breaking point: their family will either grow stronger than ever or fall apart.

Welcome back to Marsyas Island. This is Arthur’s story.

TJ Klune’s characters are all so adorable and I loved this sequel to The House in the Cerulean Sea. It was just a lovely read and satisfying happy endings.

What was your favorite book this year?

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Orange Beach

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I have a feeling we won’t have many family trips now that my kids are almost all grown.

My three youngest begged to go to the Gulf this last summer, like they anticipate it too.

We visited PCB a couple years ago for a baseball tournament but he didn’t get a lot of free time and had to come home early for more baseball activities.

I love the Gulf and Alabama beaches. It’s still one of my favorite places since I was a kid.

We went to Gulf Shores a couple years ago but my son and husband couldn’t make the trip due to the baseball schedule.

We found a lovely condo at The Palms in Orange Beach, which I think is a perfect place.

We loved an easy dinner our first night at The Shrimp Basket.

We were very close to Publix grocery store, which has so many delicious things we can’t find at home.

Cactus Cantina was some of the best Mexican food we’ve had in many years!

We absolutely loved Wolf Bay, but Doc’s was extremely disappointing. We want to go back to try Big Mike’s.

We did all the cheesy touristy things.

We just love Alligator Alley and the boys really loved it too!

We loved walking around and feeding the alligators and listening to one of the shows. We also saw lots of herons and bugs!

We love the little town of Foley for their shops and vibe. The cutest ice cream shop! We went to several record stores and thrift shops.

He finally got to go to Lambert’s and got his throwed roll!

Of course, my son got stung by a jellyfish, but he said that won’t deter him from more beach and ocean, just no more swimming with purple flags. He healed up very quickly.

We saw lots of different crabs, sand dollars, some rays, cool fish, dolphins, herons, gulls, jellyfish and comb jellies.

There were several storms and we didn’t get to visit the Gulf Shores State Park, but we did get TCBY twice and played a fun game of puttputt at Pirate’s Island Adventure Golf.

We stopped at Blalock’s market to stock up on freezer fish and they are just lovely and great prices.

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Ocean City

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My son had a baseball tournament in Ocean City, Maryland the end of June.

It’s been a very busy and stressful year for our family and we all longed for breaks in our routine. My middle kids couldn’t go because they took a summer algebra class at their university. I didn’t really want to go but I wanted to watch my son play in his last tournament.

I’ve never been to that part of the Atlantic coast.

Yes, the Chesapeake Bay Bridge is really that big and scary.

It’s not my favorite place. It just seemed like one thing after another – a terribly dangerous heat wave, the AC broke in the condo building and we had to move, I lost my favorite prescription sunglasses in the ocean.

The food was absolutely excellent though.

Of course I ate my weight in crab.

We loved Harpoon Hanna’s, just over the Delaware border.

Lombardi’s was great pizza.

Guido’s was a fun taco bar.

Our favorite place was Fish Tales Bar and Grill. We sat on a sandy deck harborside and the food was outstanding.

We ate at the Greene Turtle twice because my son loved the turkey sandwich lol

While I loved seeing my son play baseball, the highlight of the trip for me was visiting Assateague Island!

It is the end of an era for my son, who played on this baseball team for about four years and now the team is dissolved. He learned a lot and improved so much and is now moving on to better teams with better coaches – both elite travel in Cincy and for our local high school.

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Toledo Weekend

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For my third child’s homeschool high school graduation celebration, we went to Toledo for a weekend in June 2025.

We stopped in Lima for lunch at Kewpee Burgers.

We visited the zoo on a perfect cooler day. It started out rainy but cleared up nicely.

It was a highlight to pet the sturgeons!

We were so tired that we found a little place near our Perrysburg hotel for dinner: Basil Pizza & Wine Bar.

The art museum is wonderful.

There’s a lovely classics exhibit with a fun theatre, and African art, and so many pieces we have studies over the years – and outside sculptures and a glass building. It’s a lot!

We had dinner at Souk Mediterranean Kitchen and Bar and it was delicious!

We stopped at several record stores, thrift shops, and the Maumee Antique Mall on the way home.

It was a unique way to celebrate a high school graduation, even though Akantha has attended a local university for three years already!

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World Menopause Day

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In honor of World Menopause Day, October 18, Dr. Janette Gray, internal medicine physician, hormone expert, author of The Truth about Sex Hormones, and medical director and founder of Perfect Balance Health, is sharing 10 key signs every woman should know about menopause.

“Although menopause is natural, for many, it can lead to a hormone imbalance and deficiency, which is an often overlooked yet widespread and silent epidemic,” warned Dr. Gray. “Millions of people are either undertreated or not treated at all for hormone imbalance, suffering needlessly from fatigue, weight gain, poor sleep, loss of sexual function and an overall poor sense of vitality. What makes this lack of treatment even more dangerous is that untreated hormone deficiency can cause heart attacks and even dementia.”

The Truth about Sex Hormones: Learn How to Unlock the Secrets to Balancing Your Hormones for Vitality and Longevity



10 Key Signs Every Woman Should Know About Menopause

1. Irregular Periods for 90 Days: If your menstrual cycle becomes unpredictable for three consecutive months, with periods arriving early, late or skipping entirely, this is often the first sign of perimenopause beginning.

2. Night Sweats and Hot Flashes: While hot flashes get attention, night sweats that soak through pajamas and sheets are actually reported by 85% of menopausal women and can start years before periods stop.

3. “Menopause Brain”: Difficulty finding words, forgetting names or experiencing brain fog isn’t your imagination. Declining estrogen directly affects cognitive function and memory processing.

4. Sleep Disruption Pattern Recognition: Waking up between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. regularly, even without night sweats, indicates hormonal shifts affecting your natural sleep-wake cycle.

5. Joint Pain: Unexplained aches in hands, knees or shoulders that worsen in the morning could be estrogen-related inflammation, not just aging.

6. Mood Changes That Aren’t “Just Stress”: Sudden irritability, anxiety or feeling emotionally overwhelmed without obvious triggers often begin two to three years before periods end.

7. The Bladder Wake-Up Call: Increased urgency, frequency or minor leakage when laughing or sneezing signals pelvic floor changes from hormonal decline.

8. Skin and Hair Texture Changes: Thinning hair, dry skin despite moisturizing or adult acne appearing after years of clear skin reflect shifting hormone levels.

9. Weight Shifting to Middle: Gaining weight specifically around the waist, even with unchanged diet and exercise, indicates metabolic changes from decreased estrogen. While most people associate testosterone with men, women need it too, and hormone replacement therapy with estrogen and testosterone goes a long way toward eliminating midsection weight gain.

10. Start Watching at 45: While the average menopause age is 51, symptoms can begin as early as mid-40s, and women with a family history may experience changes even earlier.

“As soon as you notice perimenopause symptoms, it’s a good time to discuss these health changes with your doctor and get your hormone levels tested,” advised Dr. Gray. “Women who choose hormone replacement therapy or bioidentical hormone replacement therapy get the most health benefits, including relief from hot flashes, better sleep, improved mood and libido, better cardiovascular health, protection from Alzheimer’s, and stronger bones when they start early.”

About Janette Gray

Dr. Janette Gray is an internal medicine physician and recognized pioneer in integrative medicine and bioidentical hormone replacement therapy with over three decades of clinical experience. As founder and medical director of Perfect Balance Health in San Diego, she has dedicated her in-clinic and telehealth practice to helping adults of all genders achieve optimal wellness through personalized Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and comprehensive weight management programs. Dr. Gray’s evidence-based approach combines traditional medical expertise with cutting-edge hormone therapies to address fatigue, metabolic dysfunction, decreased libido and age-related wellness concerns. A passionate advocate for healthy aging, Dr. Gray exemplifies her treatment philosophy through her own active lifestyle as a competitive pickleball player, participating in tournaments across the United States. For more information, visit https://perfectbalance.health.

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Setting up Teens for Financial Success

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Our family has certainly has its ups and downs with finances over the decades.

We’ve pulled ourselves out of debt a few times only to find ourselves soon drowning again over vet bills or car trouble or another emergency.

My military husband had a few scary times when there were furloughs or job cuts. When he retired, there have been struggles with keeping civilian employment.

I can’t imagine the stress my kids’ peers and cousins have with struggling financially while navigating higher education, finding a career, learning adult relationships, figuring out transportation and healthcare.

I refuse to force my children to navigate their lives on a rollercoaster of debt and vibes. I have the privilege of providing them a legacy and I will launch them into successful futures.

We’ve had a few windfalls that helped us completely change our lifestyle and goals.

My husband and his two sisters received three large disbursements and an annual dividend from their aunt and mom, and we sure do appreciate their foresight and generosity.

My husband received 100% VA disability rating and that provides for our kids’ futures and educations.

It was shocking dealing with my husband’s parents’ deaths twenty years ago and realizing how little they had planned for retirement. Then, in December I became the caregiver for my parents and was devastated to realize how they had hoarded money for decades while claiming they had nothing. They didn’t invest or plan wisely; they lived in fear. In July, my father’s death threw us into a whirlwind of paperwork. Luckily, they have no real assets, so nothing goes to probate.

My husband and I set up a trust for our four children so there are no surprises or concerns in case of emergencies. I don’t want anything to have to go through probate court.

Partner with a financial advisor. There is so much that I don’t understand. I don’t have accounting or financial training and that is literally what our annual fee at our banking institution provides – annual meetings for review and advice for future planning for our entire family.

We are helping prepare our kids for an uncertain future with financial education and investments.

10 Ways for Teens to Achieve Financial Success

  1. Get a part time job.
    • I encourage my teens to work outside our home as soon as they think they can handle it. Two of my kids chose to do so about age 15-16 and one waited until age 18. My son will probably get a job when he turns 16, if he can manage with his school and sports schedule.
  2. Open bank accounts.
    • Credit unions will have lower or no fees, better customer service, higher savings interest rates, and lower loan rates.
  3. Learn how to budget.
    • Kids can begin with the 50-30-20 (or even more aggressively tiered towards savings and investing if they’re able)
    • 50% income for expenses
    • 30% towards wants
    • 20% towards savings and investing or debt
  4. Zero debt education planning
    • Invest towards higher education as soon as possible
    • Apply for financial aid if applicable
    • Apply for scholarships – even the little ones can add up
    • Work-study programs
    • Try to avoid high interest student loans whenever possible
  5. Add as authorized user on parent credit card.
    • Be smart with credit and use points or cash back cards
    • Pay off debts each month so never accrue interest debt
  6. Joint auto loans
    • There are hardly starter cars available anymore! A joint auto loan helps build a credit history and gives teens a goal.
  7. Roth IRA
    • We try to invest the max allowed each year according to income
    • Compound growth over decades. Tax-free retirement income.
    • Can withdraw original contributions at any time
    • Withdrawals before age 59 1/2 may incur taxes and penalties
  8. High interest savings accounts
    • Better than a traditional savings account, but often requires a larger balance to maintain
    • Money market accounts have higher interest rates than regular banking accounts
    • CD in increments of 6, 12, 18+ months has protected interest rates for those time frames
  9. Investment funds
  10. Legal paperwork
    • Once a child is 18, parents cannot legally make decisions anymore
    • Life insurance, HIPAA release, Health Care Proxy, Power of Attorney, FERPA Waiver, Will

Bonus tips:

  • Learn SKILLS – EQ, communication, marketing, sales, computers, etc. Formal education is NOT enough.
  • Surround yourself with like-minded people who share similar values and goals.
  • Don’t drink alcohol, especially in clubs or bars. It’s expensive and disrupts your health.
  • Don’t do drugs. Be careful even with prescription drugs. We don’t even understand the long-term effects of some heavily prescribed medicines.
  • Maintain your physical health. Walk. Go to the gym. Eat well. Get enough sleep.
  • Care for your mental health. Manage stress. Go to therapy. Work through your triggers or trauma.

If you’re not around to enjoy the fruits of your labor, what’s the point?

We have experienced immense financial changes in the past year. We had four car payments, a mortgage, and credit card debt. We had little savings, but several investments from the beginning, even if regularly depositing into them had been put on hold. My husband lost two jobs after retiring from the Air Force. My eldest daughter had a lemon car with a lien we had to pay off and has struggled with jobs for a couple years.

I understand that too many families struggle living paycheck to paycheck and experience mountainous debt with medical bills or other financial burdens. Our society strives to keep us as slaves to debt. There is no real way to save when we are in survival mode.

We invest our money now so we can have the freedom to walk away from situations we don’t like in the future. ~Call to Leap

Resources:

  1. The Simple Path to Wealth by J L Collins
  2. The Algebra of Wealth by Scott Galloway
  3. Secrets of a Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker
  4. Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill 
  5. The Little Book of Common Sense Investing by John C. Bogle
  6. The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas J. Stanley, Ph.D. and William D. Danko, Ph.D 
  7. The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
  8. The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist
  9. Bogleheads
  10. Investopedia
  11. NerdWallet
  12. Morningstar
  13. Marketwatch

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Disengaged

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It took twenty years to “reach” my husband.

It’s complicated.

It’s hard growing and changing and evolving alone.

He thought I would leave him when I received access to my inheritance six months ago, so in desperation and fear, he said all the things he thought I wanted to hear, but it was just lip service and everything very quickly went back to the way it’s always been and the kids are old enough now that they notice and they’re not as forgiving as I have always been.

It’s too easy for him to be complacent and thoughtless and invisible. I was too busy to deal with it except periodically – the same argument for decades.

The transition to retirement after twenty years of working outside the home is hard for him. He has no place here in the house. He never wanted to make decisions. He left it all up to me and now he’s hurt and confused and constantly in the way. He yearns to feel needed, but we have spent all these years on our own.

The “Nice Guy” Dilemma: A passive, over-accommodating, validation-seeking man with unclear boundaries who avoids conflict at all costs.

He is in denial that he ever experienced trauma. He has no friends, no hobbies, no interests. He bids constantly to his sisters and brother-in-law, and chats online with his college roommate and past coworkers. He craves affirmation and attention that is undeserved and unearned.

All the excuses, the ultimatums. He wasn’t raised; he wasn’t trained to be a husband whereas I was trained to be everything to everyone. I guess I expected more and that’s on me. There is no team or partnership if I do it all and am expected to think, plan, feel, and anticipate everything for everyone. I’m not even the curious anthropologist trying to figure him out anymore. Curiosity is met with anger.

I gave up my career for this?

Our entire society sets up men and really all people for failure in relationships – failure to recognize self and how be a healthy individual.

All the jokes, memes, complaints online about men won’t go to therapy…so many hurting people who don’t even recognize their trauma or are in absolute denial they ever experienced any abuse or neglect.

We are taught to look to others for completion and happiness. We are not taught how to be emotionally healthy or how to communicate nonviolently.

Men “have a hard time expressing their emotions. (This is so common there’s even a technical term for it: “normative male alexithymia.”) 

Article: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

Many of us and especially men have no friends, no one outside their families. They may have acquaintances at work and they may “socialize” but it is shallow unmeaningful activity.

Men rely on their moms, sisters, girlfriend or wife – for everything.

Now that I will be fifty next year, I just don’t care anymore. I refuse to bear the burden when no one rescues or cares for me. I will protect myself and plan for a future alone. I don’t have to waste away while I still have dreams and goals.

Article: Men have no friends and women bear the burden.

“The older women get, the less willing they seem to be a man’s everything—not only because we become more confident, wise, and, well, tired with age, but because our responsibilities pile up with each passing year.”

I refused the mental labor of handling my husband’s sisters and their kids. I refused to play the trophy military wife. I refused to sacrifice myself and my kids on the altar of the American church. I refused to allow my kids to witness the assimilation of myself into an entity only known as Mrs. I watched my parents in an awful marriage and spent the last six months trying to keep them safe.

I refuse to compromise myself.

I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better. ~Maya Angelou

I’ve grown as a person, as a parent, as a wife. I have never been, nor am I, perfect. But I am not who I was even a few years ago. I am a different and evolving and healing person while he remains stagnant. And that’s the sadness.

My parents and my husband and his family are disengaged, passive, uninterested, detached.

I refuse to accept low effort relationships. I don’t understand the shallow self-centered mediocrity, the surface-level small talk, the obliviousness of all the wonders of life. I’ve asked myself since I was eight years old, why? Why is everyone like this? Is it me?

I don’t understand the lack of interests. Even at my lowest points, my darkest depressions, I have always had music, movies, books, nature. I have done my shadow work and read all the books and watched the videos and gone to therapy (which didn’t help, but I tried), and worked on myself and studied my faults to improve.

I’ve asked him what legacy he plans to leave the kids? What memories will they have? Is he content with his lack of relationship with them? What if they all move away and never come back? I don’t know what catalyst there can be to initiate change at this point.

Everyone I have ever known is just going through the motions of living.

What to do when you don’t want or can’t divorce or live separately?

Change the mindset that the other can be fixed or even understands or desires change. There is no active abuse; there’s just distance and disconnect. I’m just tired of reaching out. I’m exhausted.

Ten signs of silent divorce:

1. You live like roommates, not partners.

There’s no teamwork, shared goals, or emotional connection – just coexisting.

2. Communication has stopped.

Conversations feel surface-level, limited to logistics like bills or schedules, with no deeper connection.

3. Physical intimacy is nonexistent.

There’s little to no affection, whether it’s holding hands, hugging, or spending quality time together.

4. You feel lonelier with them than when you’re alone.

Emotional distance can feel even heavier when you’re sharing space with someone.

5. There’s no conflict but also no connection.

Lack of arguments doesn’t mean things are fine; it can mean you’ve stopped engaging altogether.

6. You’re no longer a priority.

Your partner doesn’t invest time or energy in you or your relationship.

7. You avoid spending time together.

You find excuses to be busy or away from home, or even separate while at home.

8. You daydream about a different life.

You fantasize about being single or with someone else, or even just alone and at peace.

9. You feel stuck or resigned.

You’ve accepted unhappiness as your new normal.

10. You’ve lost respect for each other.

Small irritations have grown into contempt or disgust.

(List: Libby Finlayson)

Some of this list are just the way it always has been. It’s all we’ve ever witnessed in our parents, siblings, peers, church acquaintances, even in pop culture. It’s considered normal and accepted.

It’s like there’s something wrong with me for longing for more. I’m asking for too much. My expectations too high.

It is exhausting for wives to be everything to her husband.

I choose myself and my kids. I have created this empire.

Marriage is scam that only benefits men. I stopped auditioning for crumbs.

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Resources:

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman 
  • The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
  • Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 
  • The Marriage You Want: Moving beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire
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High School Graduation

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My third child is launched out into the world.

As a CCP student for several years already, they applied officially to our local university with enough credits to be almost a junior.

They attended a CCAD College Preview which confirmed they did not actually desire to complete art school. They take commissions and work on lots of arts and crafts projects.

They’ve taken figure skating lessons for years and leveled up frequently. They’re taking a break this first semester of university so they’re not overwhelmed with their schedule.

They’re practicing driving but now have to go through the driver education course this winter due to new laws.

I love how they change their hair and makeup so frequently and have such a fun thrifted unique fashion style.

The last six months were very stressful and I feel I missed out on so much.

We love going to museums and arts festivals. We had some fun day and weekend trips and a great Offspring concert. We had a family beach trip this summer.

I love that I got to provide a nontraditional education to my nontraditional kid.

They won a COLA Dean’s scholarship and is active on the Dean’s advisory board. They should graduate debt-free and probably with extra funds for grad school.

They’re studying classics and art and writing at university and have impressive goals for their future. They’re secretary of the Classics Club and also like attending events with the metaphysical club. They applied for a reception job at their college. They tutor their classmates and are an unofficial TA in Latin.

They’re still living at home and commuting to classes with their sister (and little brother in CCP!) which makes things cheaper and more comfortable and easier on them in many ways – better meals at home and sleeping in their own bed and having their safe space.

They have lots of goals and plans to travel and learn abroad.

High school graduation time is a lovely transition into adulthood.

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